I will be taking a break from daily posts over the next few weeks to change some things on the blog and to give some shape to the next chapter.  I value any comments and feedback about what you've valued and would like to see continue. Feel free to comment below or to email me directly at [email protected]. 
We have now had 71 blog posts and 30,000 pageviews over the last 2 1/2 months.  Thank you for reading and sharing with others as it has been helpful to you.  I look forward to re-engaging on a regular basis again in a few weeks.
-John M Troyer

When I was fifteen, I was pretty sure I was living in dark days. I had transferred to a  new school, and there were only four of us in high school. None of us wanted to be there, and as a result we didn't treat each other well.  Toward the end of the year, I stopped caring. I was desperate for things to change, and I became openly defiant and disobedient at home. I would sneak out of the house to go with friends while I was grounded, ready to do all the things I had avoided. I started shoplifting even though I had the money in my pocket to purchase things. 

One night at G.L. Perry Variety Store, the manager detained me at the door and my life changed radically. I was arrested and taken to the police station. The hardest call of my life was to ask my parents if they would come and pick me up. This began the dark days of shame, facing my community and being forced to work through it with them. I wanted nothing more than to be able run away and start over somewhere else. However, the best thing for me was that I had to stay and work it through. 

This has formed an important ethic in me. I believe in finishing well, in not burning bridges. I am so grateful that I stayed another two years to work at relationships before I was given permission to find a new church. I've had a number of difficult moments in the years since my arrest. In each, I was able to draw on that earlier time to stay true to my calling in the midst of my failure. 

Changes and new beginnings are a part of life. But we can do our best to end well, to leave with integrity, to tend to the relationships that will be altered. Do the hard work of saying good-by. Recognize that people will be hurt and angry, but keep your own integrity in the midst of it.  It's in those moments that our character and resolve will be tested. People will try all kinds of things to push us into a reactive mode.  But it is those moments that define us, that reveal our inner resolve and strength. Then when it's time to move, move as quickly as possible and plant in the new place.
-John M Troyer

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There's a blog post circulating on Facebook about the role of the default parent, the one who takes care of everything for the family. She (it often is the mom) makes sure the kids are taken care of in every way possible, while the backup parent "helps."  I am grateful for all that my wife does, but I have some confessions to make.

When we first got married, we decided that I would do the laundry. I was fine with that idea. But after two months of marriage, I realized I was never doing the laundry. My wife brought it up, wondering why I never did it. My response? I never got a chance to do it. Every time I turned around, she was doing another load of laundry, as often as once a week. That is excessive. You see, as time-saving bachelor, I bought enough underwear, socks, shirts and pants so that I had no need to laundry for an entire month.  I had three full loads of laundry to do, once a month. After I finished, I went back to living the good life. I never did the laundry when we got married because I never ran out of socks and underwear. That never worked for her because she only had one week before she ran out.

But I think it's us backup parents that save the world. If our children never encountered an adult as helpless as us, they would never learn to take care of themselves. There is something beautiful about the way my ten-year-old takes charge of breakfast, lunches, and getting ready in the morning when my wife is gone. Or with the way my five-year-old gets to pick out some amazing outfits to wear to school. (That only sometimes works, because my ten-year-old will step in and nix some of the outfits he chooses.)

We are the ones that do the dirty work of missing appointments, forgetting to brush the kids teeth, having cereal for supper, and giving kids lots of free time because we never get them signed up for anything. And if we do sign them up, they still get lots of free time because we forget to take them.  We teach our kids boundaries and putting other people's needs ahead of their own as we absolutely insist on privacy in the shower and to wait for the commercials during football. We help our kids learn the consequences of not putting things away as we have no memory of where anything is in the house. If they lose it, we don't know where to start looking and they're just out of luck.  

We are at our best when the default parent is gone for the weekend. There is only one rule, don't make a bigger mess than you can clean up yourself. Because as the backup parent, there is no way we're cleaning it up for you. We carefully lose the instructions on how to make our meals, and then have McDonald or Papa John take care of us. The house and kitchen still becomes a wreck and then we flurry around before the default parent gets home to hide all the signs of our irresponsibility.  We've been there when things fell apart. And amazingly, they don't fall apart.

We are backup parents because every kid needs a backup. They need a chance to fail, knowing that there is someone behind them that will help them get up. We know that tears are okay when things don't turn out, not something to be avoided at all costs. Being the backup means that our children are learning responsibility, experiencing consequences, and finding out what it means to take care of their own needs. They keep track of their own schedules and make sure we get them there on time.  We carry our role with pride. As one backup parent to another, we rock.

Now, before you judge me for my pride in being a backup parent, this is satire. As a backup parent, sometimes I exaggerate a bit. 
-John M Troyer

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In the book of Revelation, John is given a vision of what God is doing in the world. It begins with warnings and affirmations for seven churches. How do our churches in North America measure up today? Here are the 19 characteristics of the churches of Jesus Christ

1. Deeds, hard work, perseverance, endurance of hardship
2. An intolerance for wicked people, testing leaders and not being afraid to name them as false teachers.
3. An openness to poverty and suffering.
4. Faithfulness in the face of blasphemy.
5. Loyalty in a satanic, occultic place
6. Not tolerating leaders who teach that sexual sin is okay and participate in idolatry
7. Constant improvement.
8. Trusting God to judge and to work at identifying the intentions of the heart in those in leadership.
9. Keeping the simple teachings and rejecting those who try to teach "deeper truths" (which are really of satanic origin)
10. Difficult obedience which results in great authority.
11. Holding on to what was given.
12. Maintaining its first love for God.
13. Hating the leaders who lord over others, and loving those who serve.
14. Strengthening the inner life.
15. Repenting of wrong, strengthening what is good.
16. Being useful
17. Not counting on acquired wealth.
18. Opening the door for the living presence of Christ
19. Listening to the voice of the Spirit

These 19 things are a powerful reminder of how self-serving we have become in North America. May God help us repent and receive new life.
-John M Troyer

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When love is in our hearts, separation is possible. When the father loved his prodigal son, he gave him what he needed for his journey. When children leave to get married or further their education, loving parents support them as they go. When church members leave as missionaries, a loving church releases them to their calling. When we disagree with each other enough that one is not content to stay, the path of love is to help each other part ways in the best way possible.  It is only inorganic systems and cancerous systems and incestuous systems that insist that the only right and holy path is staying together.

On Saturday, Gulf States Mennonite Conference voted on whether to leave Mennonite Church USA. They needed a two-thirds majority to pass. It failed to pass with 60% voting in favor.  This is similar to the vote in Ohio Conference back in August. Their resolution asked Mennonite Church USA to remove Mountain States Mennonite Conference from the denomination if they did not reverse their decision to license Theda Good. That resolution also needed a 2/3 majority and failed when it received 62% in favor. 

There is a trend where a majority in some conferences are clearly rejecting the path denominational leaders seem to want to take which allows for diversity in blessing of same-sex marriage. These leaders are not listening to that voice nor are they helping create space for the more conservative voices to find a connection with each other.  The current path of avoidance and emphasizing unity is not conducive to what is best for the church at large. We need denominational and conference leaders to work together at branching into two denominations. We are not well-served by the current trend of trying to keep everyone in as if the problem is the people at the extremes. 

We could become a wonderful model of handling conflict well, an alternative to the scorched-earth policies taken by mainline denominations as they make leaving as difficult as possible for their congregation. As Anabaptists, we were the recipients of these kinds of policies in the formation of our faith tradition.  Today we don't face physical death and torture, but we do experience the assassination of character and maligning of motives from those who advocate for unity at all costs. When our denomination pursues a path that rejects its formation documents and considers a major change that embraces sexual diversity, the gracious path is to help each other find what we need and strengthen each other along the way. That includes the space to leave well when a group finds changes to be unacceptable. 

I would propose that those conferences like Gulf States that need a new kind of denomination come together and begin conversations about what a new affiliation might look like. Perhaps it wouldn't mean two denominations at first, but it could be the birthplace for a new identity to help these conferences continue to move forward together. It is important that the conference leaders carry themselves with integrity in this process.  In Ohio Conference, a clear majority voted in favor for censure of Mountains States. If conference leaders there disagreed with that resolution, then that vote is a clear indication that new leaders are needed for that conference. 

We need this from our leaders. We need this now. It is a step of courage and beauty. It is the right thing to do.
-John M Troyer

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In the spring of 2013, I was working in my garage and I noticed something wasn't right with my eye. I blinked, hoping that would correct the problem. I went inside explore further and discovered I had lost about half of my direct vision in my right eye. There was a grey half-circle that was blocked out. I was scared and wanted to immediately find out what was going on. I was able to get in that afternoon with an eye specialist, and she gave me an initial diagnosis of Central Serous Retinopathy. It's a temporary blindness that usually afflicts men because they're under too much stress. The best treatment was to reduce stress in my life and hope it heals up.

I was a little upset about the cause. I wasn't stressed! How could this happen to me? But I learned from that experience to look more closely at the early warning signs and take action sooner. Because of that experience, I pay careful attention to my left shoulder muscle. Once it starts to tighten up, I know I need to change course. It has become my stress thermometer.

The interesting thing about stress is that it is not directly tied to the presence of difficult things, it is about how we carry difficult things. I've also noticed that too much caffeine also heightens the effect of stress on me. But the core of my struggle is the question of faith. I carry what I believe others can't carry and what I won't let God carry. And when I do that, burden begins to weigh on me. Prayer and reflection on God's provision are the ways I release that stress. Frustration, anger, and resentment live as a cancer inside if I keep them as friends. Doing less, living more, and noticing the world around me helps me see the way God is shaping my life rather than being a victim of my circumstances.

My blind spot disappeared after a few months. I still have a small line that never healed, a mark that has become a gift to me. I can rest. I can live well, no matter the challenges. If I don't, I lose my vision.   
-John M Troyer                    

This blog is updated each weekday. Liking the Facebook page will not automatically update your news feed with new posts. If you would like receive regular notifications of new posts, join the Facebook group at this link. If you would like to subscribe by email, you can do so at the top of this page.